Friday, June 1, 2012

Nothing Different

I just called the genetic counselor to make sure this isn't all a bad dream and to talk further. The laundry of problems didn't disappear, but I am just so shocked at why we didn't know all this spine, brain, heart, cysts stuff earlier. If it was one thing, okay so it was missed, but all these problems combined in one little baby. I have had an extreme number of ultrasounds in comparison to others, this sounds so dumb, but it's just not fair.

As I think back to yesterday the lady was asking me questions about our health history. #1 Did I use street drugs? Are you freaking joking? I know it's routine, and we were both dressed in gym clothes, but we are educated people.Yes I took vitamins, but sometimes I missed a day and sometimes I took children's gummy vitamins when I thought I might throw up. She did reassure me that missing vitamins didn't cause this, then she added just think of all the people out there who don't take vitamins at all and smoke crack that have babies without these complications. Um, yes I am very aware of that, that fact is what made me so incredibly angry with our loss in September. She also told me the chances of this level of spina bifida are 1/700 which again makes me so very mad. I am thinking mad may be a better option at this point, my head hurts so bad from crying.

I still can't get over the fact that I was more than halfway through this pregnancy, she had a gender, and she had a name.