The Worst Day of My Whole Life

We went to the genetic counselor today for the really detailed ultrasound, since yesterday's 20 week u/s had some abnormalities. After the u/s we saw the genetic counselor. Everything she said was just awful, Stella has spina bifida with many complications. The list I have of things wrong with Stella and the problems she would have at birth compounded on each other are very bad. So it looks like we will be saying goodbye to our rainbow baby next week.

I am just so sad. Will is also, but he is really angry too. I'm sure that will come next for me. I keep thinking what am I gonna do with my time? How will I spend my summer? How come I didn't protect my students and now they all will know this information? I will return in August with no belly and no baby. I currently have a belly, what is my response when people ask about it? I can't go to my sewing class, and finish my baby dress and have to explain things....Why did I have to find this out so far along? It's like I jinxed it, I bought my first baby item just 5 days ago. I have gotten so many nice presents this week, what the hell does that thank you note say? What do I do with the presents? How do I tell people? Will they judge me?

My head hurts so bad...I just want to vomit.