Looking back. Just breathe.

Wednesday
20 weeks
Confirming gender
So freaking excited
Ultrasound again
It's a girl
Five fingers
Good heartbeat
Five toes
"Stella" typed on all the pictures
Quiet
More pictures
Silent
Empty bladder
More pictures
Doctor comes in
Odd
Slightly concerned
Heart
Brain
Spine
Need a level two ultrasound
MUSC
They will call tomorrow
And schedule for next week
Possible neural tube defect?
What
What?
Probably not
Go home
Anxiety heightened
Not completely freaked though
They call within a hour
Schedule for tomorrow
Panic
Rushed ultrasound
Must be bad
Chill out
Arrive
Why are you here?
Can barely speak
Frog in throat
Something is wrong with her...
Spine
Heart
Brain
Ultrasound begins
Quiet
Pointing out good stuff
Heart great
Nothing
Silence
Still looking around
More pictures
Multiple doctors in
No speaking
Holding Will's hand
Doctors out
Heart racing
Doctors in
Spina bifida
Hydrocephaly
Shock
Tears
Sobbing
Education major in me understands
I can't speak
Will unsure
Knows it's bad
Moved to office
Questions
Options
Decisions
"Did you take any street drugs?"
What. The. Fuck.
No
Utero surgery
Duke
Can't fix
Multiple surgeries at birth
She can learn to use a catheter
Shunt
What?
What?
Pinch me
This must be a nightmare
No
No way
No.
Certain
D&E
Only on Fridays
A long 7 days
Horrible weekend
21 weeks
Beginning the process
Luminaria
Water breaks
Medicine
Luminaria again
Medicated more
Don't care
Lay around
Cry
Mama arrives
Weep
Bed
Sob
Dark
Highly medicated
Arrive at hospital
On bed
Talking gibberish to Will
Sleep
Wake up
Unaware of time
Empty
Gone
Evacuated
"Worse than we thought"
Is that true?
Hmmm
Home
Sleep
Many days
Pain
Whiplash
Back & neck aches
Survive
Engorged
Another slap
Cool Cabbage
Rest
Did we do the right thing?
Questions
What if...
Rest

Woah that was long, no way a reader made it this far. These were the first 9 days when we knew we would take the pain and not give it to Stella.

I'm not all warm and fuzzy now, but I am no where near these dark days. Thankfully. It's more like a rollercoaster now, with more highs than lows.

Yet another reminder

What's that you say??

Ok, so yes doing taxes suck...but what really sucks is adding up what we spent medically last year.

Now yes I've heard delivering a baby is really expensive, I actually don't know the total cost. Fill me in, if you like.

And yes, I know these bills would be gigantic if we had chosen surgeries.

But still.
Bleck.
Reminders.

Low

Talk about a low...I feel like I'm on Mars in the worlds largest canyon. (Can you tell we are studying planets?)

For so long...well like a month. I've been okay. It seems like everything is going wrong this week. Sitting here crying. I don't want to go to work. I wanna lay around. A fellow blogger posted this song, and I am now obsessed with it.

Each night we share our high and low from the day. Well Will has gone to bed, he doesn't feel well. What would I say today?

It would be a real stretch to turn anything positive. So in my negative, passive aggressive, awful mood here I go...sarcastically.

High
--that a friend said she'd pick me up from the mechanic in the morning.
--I began my day clueless of the pregnancy news I'd get from others.
--The rodent man will show up Monday to set bait traps to get rid of whatever is under our house.
--I found a new website that I love: http://www.aheartbreakingchoice.com/Default.aspx
--Someone complimented my new haircut...because it must be easier with a baby.

But truthfully, I have been feeling so guilty for terminating my pregnancy. I know deep down that I would rather suffer than to bring Stella here to suffer with us. I also know that I had two shitty choices to pick from, neither were good. But really, what if it happens again? What makes my body different this time? Nothing...I am doing all the same things.

Oh Christmas

Oh Christmas, I really thought you were going to be a dreary day. To my surprise you weren't!

I didn't cry, I didn't get overly sad...it was great.

At Christmas Eve service there was the cutest baby girl in a carrier. She began to get upset and when they took her out she had on the most adorable outfit with ruffles.

So during the service this is what I thought about...I kept laughing.

"We need a pair of  volunteers to play the roles of Mary and Joseph." "You were stage trained"...bwahaha.

I crack myself up. I kept quoting the movie and whispering it to Will.

Does anyone else love this movie as much as I do? Anyone else out there from a divorced family and always got drug around to all these houses when All You Wanna do is sit around in your pjs and play with your stuff?

Very inappropriate, but whatever I didn't cry...and THAT is what matters.

SWADDLE THIS BABY

I didn't let my mind wander to sad places. I keep seeing positive signs...that a optimistic look right? Maybe I've watched too much Serendipity lately but still...much better than my normal pessimism that I call realism.

We are home now. It's incredibly rainy and I get the dogs in an hour.

**Disclaimer**

To those friends and family that worry,

My last few posts months of posts have been pretty sad. I do want you to know that I don't feel like this all the time. I write when I'm sad...one day this blogging road will see more light and go back to the dog/cooking/fun place again.

mmmwah,
Amy

Me Update

BLECK BLECK BLECK.

Know what that means? Aunt Flo came Saturday morning. That really sucks, I totally thought I was pregnant.

I cried a lot this weekend.

I decided I cry more around Christmas stuff than killing zombies on xbox with Will or watching a non-Christmas movie like Bourne Legacy. It's great by the way, and I don't remember if I have paid attention to the other Bourne movies.

I went to two parties on Friday and felt really odd. I was like a fish out of water, not social, just weird. I guess just sad and trying to hide it. Also I was so sucked into the news about the elementary school shooting, I couldn't think of anything else. I kept thinking of my own students and my school. I really hope that no one talks about it tomorrow. I hope 2K parents shielded their children from the news so they aren't scared, or that they told them they aren't allowed to discuss it with other children.

This week I'm working on being grateful. I'm writing thank you notes for the smallest things, I'm listing what I'm thankful for, and I'm hopefully not going to be so sad. The sun finally came out yesterday, and I went to church today. That felt really good. It's going to be a good week. Today I responded, "Super" when a clerk asked how I was doing...now I hope I just can live up to Super :)
I hope you have a great week too.

This is where I was last week, Elysium...getting a big haircut!

BFN

Woke up to another BFN...so let's just say don't ask about it, I will tell you when it happens. By the way, I don't want to go to work today. I just wanna lay around and have a pity party.

However, there is a little ray of light today...see where I check-in around 3:30 this afternoon :-D

Group Support Tonight

Tonight at group support we spoke about Christmas. I am beginning to get a little worried. My behavior after Thanksgiving was horrible. When we got in the car, I immediately said I could have done without that, and didn't really need to ever return, in a very ugly voice. I was pissed. How can you be thankful when life sucks?

All the couples tonight spoke of doing something completely different for Christmas, they aren't doing the regular thing. One girl I'm close with described last year doing what the family wanted and trying to do the same routine. She was miserable and cried most of the week. Yikes.

Thankfully we are the oldest grandchild and no one has children yet. The house isn't full of babies. There is one distant cousin that has babies, and I have seen the new baby once since Stella died. However, I hope I don't have to see them this at Christmas. Maybe we can make a plan to sneak out the backdoor and leave for the mountains if they show up. Gosh, a positive pregnancy test would make this easier.

Speaking of...

Peeing on a stick update: Well the Dollar Tree tests don't work before your missed period. So they won't work until Friday or so...I went and bought a generic First Response double pack at Walmart earlier today. I have already wasted one tonight, even though if you're testing early it said use morning urine. Whatever. I will test again tomorrow morning, so far big ole negatives.

I swear I feel pregnant...but really pregnant and PMS are about the same thing. Hey, at least I've positive thinking that is very un-Amy.

Addiction

Have you ever had crack cocaine?

Well me neither.

Let me explain. This past weekend we stayed with K.C. and Bobby in Jacksonville, Florida. I joked about taking a pregnancy test Sunday morning. Well Friday or either Saturday night K.C. told me she had one, and I could have it.

Oh my God, you would have thought I just smoked my last crack pipe and HAD to have more. All I could think about were the times I've watched Addiction. I love that show by the way, sick...I know.

Saturday night I woke up all through the night....mmm, maybe I'm pregnant. At 7:20 am Sunday morning I texted K.C. (she was in the bed, we were in the guest room)...

7:20 Me: "Are you awake?!!!! I feel like a crack addict, I need that pregnancy test. Where is it?"
7:22 K.C.: " Haha I am! I'll get it."
7:24 K.C.: "It's in the bathroom!! :-)

She was like stealth quiet...that's a good friend!

It's too early from me to even get a positive (I think), so I completely wasted it...knew I was wasting it, but didn't care. It was really not an option, I had to pee on that stick.

Fast forward to driving home today.
I told Will we really needed to find a Dollar Tree, or I'm gonna waste an obscene amount of money this week. Our Dollar Tree doesn't have them right now. You know what he did? He's such an awesome husband. He told me to put it in the GPS, so I did and within 10 minutes we were scoping out the check out aisle for pregnancy tests.

BINGO.
Found 'em.

I asked Will how many should we buy? He responded with..."How many do they have?" Bwahaha.
He helps me grab them down from the hanger, and put on the belt to be checked out. I felt like an addict. Hell I am, clearly I have a problem. Why did I care what others thought, we were in some tiny town near the Florida/Georgia line.

Fingers crossed for a BFP this week.

It's Just Different

My Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes. 

They are ugly shoes. 

Uncomfortable Shoes. 

I hate my shoes. 

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. 

I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. 

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the other one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in the world. 

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much. Some have work the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt. 

No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Worried about tomorrow

A teacher at my school had her big ultrasound today, 20 weeks. She finds out the gender tonight at a gender reveal party. She told me today that she is telling students tomorrow. My students see her tomorrow, near the end of the day. I cried my whole way home, as I blasted Avril in Will's jeep with really loud speakers.

How am I gonna keep it together when they rush the room so excited to share the news?
What if I cry?

"Mrs. X is having a baby___. Mrs. K cried." Speaking of baby X, I do hope it's a boy...silly as it is, that info would be easier to digest.

If you are thinking students don't care THAT much, you are over worrying this...think again, 8 year old girls care, a lot.

Fingers crossed she tells them at the Beginning of class, so that way it would have died down a bit.

Update: Our division head told her not to tell, imagine that...same thing I was told. However, she is going to wear pink or blue to tell us. I have asked another teacher to find out before I do, and then tell me before I see her.

Update again: That teacher just told me, it's a girl. Do you think I'm the only one not at the gender reveal? 

Day 27 Photo Challenge: Artwork

Day 26 Photo Challenge: Her Age

Stella's age the day she left us

Alright, this is my first time feeling this way but I feel like this photo challenge is bringing me down...only five days left.

Day 25 Photo Challenge: Shower

Click Here to see the day we had the gender reveal with my fellow teachers and the next day my students.  I don't think I have my end of the school year shower in photos. But I did keep all the gifts, with the exception of the big items (swing and mattress) from my whole class. My room mom returned those for me.  I do keep wondering, when we do fall pregnant again will we have a shower at all? Will people be excited for me? or is it like oh...them again. With Stella I had a new ultrasound picture like every month, and I ran around campus and showed it off proudly. Will I do that again? Won't that be weird, or will it be exciting...again.

Day 24 Photo Challenge: What to say

Oh it's so hard to keep the post positive, and I was going to skip the "What not to say" post...but I don't think I can.

What to say... taken from Carly Marie Project

Acknowledge/Accept/Allow: That this has happened and it might change your relationship.

Speak aloud their child's name: I can remember the first time a friend said "Stella"...it was a very odd experience, I'm even sure I was saying it/the pregnancy...now I love it, and I will never forget that time.

Listen, Don't change the subject quickly, and it's not time to fix anything or give out advice. For me, ask more questions or how I feel...cause I'm probably not going to tell you and I'm going to change subjects and you won't even realize it.

Mark the Dates, and remember. June 7th Stella died, Oct. 14 was to be her due date. Oct 15th is    the wave of light day where you light a candle from 7pm-8pm...I think this dates stays the same year to year.

Pretty much anything you think is okay or would be nice to say, isn't. It's kinda weird. The best phrase is

 "I don't know what to say" ....because neither do I.

Day 23 Photo Challenge: Name and Photo

Stella 

at 20 weeks

5-30-12

Day 22 Photo Challenge: Place of Care

Well I kinda hate the place that told us the awful news...so I will skip this one.

However, I do love my OBGYN. Kate gave me her direct line and I'm pretty sure I have her cell phone number too. She called me at random times 9pm to check in. I also love the OB nurse, Katie. I have never met her, but she has been very supportive through both losses. When I get pregnant I call her direct line and I get an earlier u/s than the normal folks that call the front desk.

I had a lot of support via electronics, so very many people reached out. I forgot about most of the cards, calls, and such...
But really these two waited on me hand and foot. Wallowing in my own grief I didn't realize they (and many of you) were very sad too, but know I know that, they all wanted Stella here too. They were just as excited about her arrival.

A Walk to Remember

I chose the tiniest feet on the sign. The one I chose to represent Stella is right under the last 2 in 2012. That is where I signed :-)

Day 21 Photo Challenge: Sacred Space

Sacred Space...I don't really have one...or do I?

Let's look around, ah yes, maybe where all my Stella jewelry hangs?

Check out these posts, I added pictures from today's Walk to Remember.
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