This Post Doesn't End Well

If you missed the title This Post Doesn't End Well. Don't get excited. 
I'm going to back track for a bit...I'm sorry I didn't share good news with you. I kept it in and now I'm sharing sad news, doesn't seem fair. I never know what is right to do.

June 24th

Today marks our first day home from Edisto vacation. We had a fertility appointment scheduled for the afternoon. Well we don't have to go.....

Know why?

I took a test and there is a very faint line. But a line is a line, so we're pregnant. I'm so incredibly excited. We tried very hard this past month to conceive, and it paid off it worked!

I am smiling so much. My life feels turned completely around from gloomy to joyful.

Funny story: I took the test, and look immediately--Negative--I almost threw it away. Walked out the bathroom and told Will negative. I was testing two days early anyway. He had to see for himself. He walks in and sees the line. I go with him and he points to it. I pick it up and tell him something crazy about taking the test apart and asking others to look at it. He asks if my hands are shaking...duh yes. He then says he doesn't want to go to work. :) that is odd for him to say!
I'm not even sure we hugged, I was so stunned.

Happiness doesn't even describe how happy I am right now.

July 26th

I tested again this morning...yep it's still there :) this time a little darker. This made my mama happy, when she saw the first picture she said, so what you're a little preggo? Bwahaha, but she was serious!

I keep texting Will. I am SO HAPPY. He told me he hasn't seen me smile this much in a long time. I also have my first u/s scheduled for July 10th! This time will fly by since I am cruising until that date! YAHOO!

June 27th

Know what this picture means for me? The beginning of the neural tube forming. For three days now I have been worry free. Today is little different. All I know is I live for today, and make the best of today. Today I am pregnant and I am happy.

July 10-First Ultrasound

I should be 6.5 weeks based on my last missed period, but the ultrasound practically showed nothing. Just a little black speck that might be the gestational sac, but it was so tiny the machine wouldn't even date it. The tech said my ovaries looked clear and it was a good sign the u/s didn't hurt, so not ectopic pregnancy. She pointed out a white area and said that looked good, but I have no idea what that was...

I didn't ovulate on day 14 like their time tables show. My monitor showed peak on day 20 and 21, so that would skew by 7-9 days. Which truly matters this early in the game. 

I'm not sure how I feel. I am calm, but it's not the result I was hoping. My betas were tested this morning and I will return Friday morning to hopefully see the numbers doubling. That would show progression in pregnancy. 

I have no symptoms. Well my boobs are bigger, so that's a plus.

Can I fast forward life to Friday? Or hell let's just skip to March!

July 12-hCG Update

I didn't sleep much this morning. I jumped out of bed to be at Labcorp right at 7:00 when they open, but then I remembered....hold on hCG needs 48 hours to double. I went at 10:00 on Wednesday. Well crap, how would I fill my day?

So I picked up the house so it could be cleaned. I dropped off stuff at Goodwill and the library. Then I slowly worked out at the gym. By the way this is day 5 of 5 going to the gym, and on the cruise I "worked out" either 4 or 5 days. Crazy what you will do when you can't drink and are home for summer.

I pulled into Lapcorp at 9 and played on my phone for probably a whole 8 minutes, couldn't stand it...and went inside to have my blood drawn. I spoke to them about just how STAT I needed these results.

I then returned home, which I shouldn't have...I should have gone to do something fun. Time went quickly until 11. Then I called and asked if results were in.

Yes they were. I started to make my list of things to ask since it's Friday afternoon and this was my one shot. The doctor now just needed to look them over and call back.
My long wait was just beginning. My heart and my breath was all over the place. I was anything but calm. An hour passes and I call the doctor and randomly ask when is their lunch break? Well guess what they don't take a lunch on Fridays and they get off at 3. Really? Where is my phone call.

Around 2:45 I call back, and the nurse assures me I will have a call about results before they go home for the weekend. Well around 4 I think...I finally get a call.

The nurse calls not the doctor. Annoying.
I can tell from the beginning this call isn't going far. She is stalling and giving flat typical answers.
She first says your hCG seems to be rising but the the doctor is cautious. Doesn't give me time to question, goes right it to say let's schedule another u/s and visit. I ask about the numbers and she says oh I'm still scheduling you, (and then makes these stupid noises about) oh silly computer, no not that screen. Grrrr, hold on I'm almost on the right screen, "Growl" --I can't tell she's not going to answer me.

She then repeats Seems to be rising (but this time adds) Normally.
So I ask about progesterone. She said the doctor didn't note anything about it. 

Then continues...
Are you having any spotting or cramping? 
Really dude, you won't tell me MY info then you ask that question...hmmmm.
When was your LMP again? May F'n 24th
Your doctor is on call this weekend so if you have any concerns you can call in. 

I get off the phone so mad. Really you told me NOTHING. I need to know the numbers. I need to know something.

UPDATE: I didn't stay mad the whole weekend, we went on to have a good one. Out Friday night until 1:50 am Saturday :)

My 2nd u/s will be Wednesday at 10:30.

July 17th-2nd Ultrasound

Now there are two sacs and still no baby showing on the ultrasound. The doctor says it is a hemorrhage and I will start to miscarry soon or another sac and it could be twins.  Really? I'm not that lucky.

So I have blood drawn again, these are not stat and my doctor is about to go on vacation. Remember that nurse that wouldn't give me numbers...yea well...I hate her.

July 23

Fast forward a bit because I'm sure I've lost you, and if not I love you for reading.

Update on my hCG. I have had one more blood draw since my last post.
7/10  2,??? something <---u/s showed a tiny black hole that may be a sac
7/12  4,360
7/17  11.695 <---u/s showed two empty sacs this day
7/19  12,522

That nurse almost wouldn't give me my last number. I asked. She gave me the runaround until she realized I had all them so far...BITCH. You will be the reason I find a new doctor. You have made me wait an ungodly amount of time at least four days no make also that over the weekend plus add one more day because the doctor didn't have time to read. Really....it's one f'n number, I don't care for your feed back. I just want the number.

So I feel like I'm still in limbo of avoidance. Will was still hopeful this morning as he asked a few specific questions and I think he was researching while at work. But when I got to the gym today, I asked how he was and he said not good. I feel like tomorrow we will be hit with a mack truck if we aren't ready for it.

I haven't cried yet. I'm telling ya, I am in disbelief. 

Blighted Ovum

I don't recall which appointment we were told this is a possibility, but I think tomorrow will confirm this we have a blighted ovum. Which means the sac formed, your body thinks it's pregnant, so you have symptoms and hCG continues to rise, but no embryo forms.

June 24th-3rd Ultrasound

Alright, in two hours I will hit post this shittastic story.
I assume I will have three choices: wait it out (Hell no), take Cytotec (abortion pill), or have a D&C. I have already filled the Rx for Cytotec in hopes I wouldn't need it. But as I think about it I want a D&C. I have compared notes about D&E vs. D&C with real life friends, not just internet people. I think I want it done with prior to leaving the country, and I hope it causes less physical pain. However, my doctor is on vacation. Also we cruise out next week. Uhhhh.

Alright blighted ovum confirmed. Waiting...goodness, haven't I waited enough? For a call to schedule a D&C today, or at the latest tomorrow. She said don't eat or drink anything until I get the call. We just rushed home to let the dogs out and will head back toward Mt Pleasant soon. If it gets booked today I have to be there two hours prior to surgery. I'll be okay, and hopefully Will is going to be too, it will just take him longer to get there. Thanks for keeping up with me!

Update: Surgery tomorrow at 12:30, check in at 10:30