It just occured to me that all summer I have worn gym clothes. You know the kind...stretchy, forgiving, wonderful articles of clothing. This week I am going on a cruise (that's another story, being old enough to chaperone teenagers) and I love to dress up at night. As I began packing and trying on dress after dress I realized they won't zip. Either I can't get them up over my thighs or when I do they are no where close to closing with the zipper. Ok a cruise is one thing, but what am I going to teach in? It makes me really sad.
I also called to make an eye exam this morning. My right eye is giving me some trouble, I notice it when watching tv the most. I had Lasik five years ago and she told me when I get pregnant my eye sight could change since you retain water and your eyes are composed of just that. At the time, I didn't care. Well my whole freaking body changing without a baby makes me sad/pissed/angry/annoyed.
I just feel so bummed. I normally eat what I want, when I want, and haven't really ever told myself no. I also hate working out. Obviously these things must change. My girlfriends reading this have been through struggles with weight and they don't complain, so I hate to call them and talk (really whine) about this topic. What do I weigh? I have no clue. I wonder if Will can tell a difference but he doesn't say anything. I don't have motivation, I want the magic pill. So I am gonna stop this post, and go to the gym.
P.S. I got a pretty significant haircut, you think it's cause it's the only thing I feel in control over right now?
I can't say I know what that kind of bodily change is like but I can say I know you are beautiful! You're probably thinking I'm being nice BUT if I didn't truly mean it, I didn't have to post it. I'm sure Will thinks the same. You have every right to feel sad/angry/pissed/annoyed & you shouldn't feel guilty that you do. That's not going to make you any closer to feeling better. You've endured something awful & completely unfair. I don't believe there will ever be a day that you won't miss or love or feel sad about Stella but you will learn how to cope, as you have every day thus far. & the happy triggers you posted about a few entries back (I'm reading these from most recent to older) will be more prominent. Talking about her & how you feel will help you honor her memory & honestly that's what friends are for - to listen, offer advice, & help you any way possible stay strong through this. If anyone dismisses your progression, no matter how fast or slow, that's not being a good friend! Unfortunately a tragedy like this takes time to understand how YOU will come out of it...no one expects you to get through this in just days, while I'm sure you hope it would be that fast for you to find the peace you deserve. Just remember to talk to Stella too - she can now watch over you!! & I bet she wouldn't want you to be anything but happy & remember the good moments. Love you, this came from a plethora of thoughts after reading several of your recent posts. ;-D
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