This week at my therapist I was told I was crusty. Am I really paying big money for this advice...crusty? Well she said I have this hard exterior but am a mess inside. So when something about Stella or babies comes up I am caught off guard. I explained that I need to be strong for my students, and their parents that pay a lot to attend my school. I am expected to be a strong leader.
Apparently I can't be crusty all the time then soft when I get home, so I give Will the same crusty person. I begin to tell him something that upset me, and when he says oh I am so sorry and takes a breath or there is any silence I change the subject and we continue on our way. We are working on this, he is going to start asking more questions and not let me change the subject.
I explained that I don't want to be sad, so letting my brain go to those places I will cry. I don't want to cry. Do I need to cry, um...maybe, yes. For as long as I can remember I don't cry in front of people. Supposedly this is called avoidance, okay it is what it is...
We need to discuss what to do during the weekend of Stella's due date. That date is approaching very soon, in about three weeks. It was suggested that we go through her things that I have packed away. Do you know how hard that will be? I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it.
So now that I got this advice, and agree that I am crusty...now what? What do I do with that information? This week when people I am close to asked how I was, I have given more than "good" for an answer. I have told my real feelings.
The day after going to my therapist someone came to tell me they are 12 weeks pregnant. Now yes, I want to know if you are pregnant, if you hide it from me that would be worse. But I held my tears back (and it was really hard) while congratulating her. Once she walked out of my classroom the flood gates opened, but I had to get crusty quick since my girls would be entering the room very soon.
I also got another "how is your baby?" today at carpool. I kept it together nicely, it didn't take me off guard this time. I didn't even tell Will about it happening because it didn't make me sad.
So how am I doing? I don't know. I just feel so damaged. Losing Stella has changed me so much and not for the better. I will always just be damaged.
