Looking back. Just breathe.

Wednesday
20 weeks
Confirming gender
So freaking excited
Ultrasound again
It's a girl
Five fingers
Good heartbeat
Five toes
"Stella" typed on all the pictures
Quiet
More pictures
Silent
Empty bladder
More pictures
Doctor comes in
Odd
Slightly concerned
Heart
Brain
Spine
Need a level two ultrasound
MUSC
They will call tomorrow
And schedule for next week
Possible neural tube defect?
What
What?
Probably not
Go home
Anxiety heightened
Not completely freaked though
They call within a hour
Schedule for tomorrow
Panic
Rushed ultrasound
Must be bad
Chill out
Arrive
Why are you here?
Can barely speak
Frog in throat
Something is wrong with her...
Spine
Heart
Brain
Ultrasound begins
Quiet
Pointing out good stuff
Heart great
Nothing
Silence
Still looking around
More pictures
Multiple doctors in
No speaking
Holding Will's hand
Doctors out
Heart racing
Doctors in
Spina bifida
Hydrocephaly
Shock
Tears
Sobbing
Education major in me understands
I can't speak
Will unsure
Knows it's bad
Moved to office
Questions
Options
Decisions
"Did you take any street drugs?"
What. The. Fuck.
No
Utero surgery
Duke
Can't fix
Multiple surgeries at birth
She can learn to use a catheter
Shunt
What?
What?
Pinch me
This must be a nightmare
No
No way
No.
Certain
D&E
Only on Fridays
A long 7 days
Horrible weekend
21 weeks
Beginning the process
Luminaria
Water breaks
Medicine
Luminaria again
Medicated more
Don't care
Lay around
Cry
Mama arrives
Weep
Bed
Sob
Dark
Highly medicated
Arrive at hospital
On bed
Talking gibberish to Will
Sleep
Wake up
Unaware of time
Empty
Gone
Evacuated
"Worse than we thought"
Is that true?
Hmmm
Home
Sleep
Many days
Pain
Whiplash
Back & neck aches
Survive
Engorged
Another slap
Cool Cabbage
Rest
Did we do the right thing?
Questions
What if...
Rest

Woah that was long, no way a reader made it this far. These were the first 9 days when we knew we would take the pain and not give it to Stella.

I'm not all warm and fuzzy now, but I am no where near these dark days. Thankfully. It's more like a rollercoaster now, with more highs than lows.